Cross Purposes
by hardly loquacious
Summary: Lisbon and Jane independently reflect on past and future choices. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Particularly when communication is difficult. Post 6.18.


A/N: So, I had an urge to write a one-shot. It's not amazing, but I felt like writing. So I did. It's post 6.18. I tried to get it done before today's ep. I almost made it. Basically, this takes place before tonight's ep. And I wrote it, because I'm not sure how I feel about Pike asking Lisbon to go to D.C. with him. I am torn. I hope you enjoy!

Cross Purposes

xxx

Teresa Lisbon deserved a good man, of this Jane was sure.

It made him wish he was one.

It was an inequality he'd been aware of right from the start.

A contrast highlighted all the more, when she found someone better.

xxx

When Lisbon had joined the FBI to get some excitement back in her life, this wasn't what she'd been looking for.

She'd wanted professional drama, not personal.

Lisbon sighed. She'd avoided serious relationships most of her adult life, and then, the first time in over decade that she decided to give one a try, the guy got a job offer halfway across the country.

The universe sure had one hell of a sense of humour.

Marcus was a nice guy, a cute guy, and a _good _guy. It wasn't his fault their timing was crappy.

He'd even offered to stay in Texas, ignore his promotion and choose her. Lisbon didn't think she could let him (she'd always feel a vague sense of guilt, and no relationship deserved that kind of pressure), but he'd _offered._

Right before he'd asked her to come with him.

The choice was hers. She made her own choices. It was _her_ life.

Lisbon had a vague memory of informing Jane of that exact fact.

Unfortunately, this was never a choice she wanted to have to make.

xxx

Patrick Jane was _not_ a good man. And he was only too aware of the fact.

He'd been born conning people. Living near the circus taught you that particularly quickly enough, and if it hadn't, his father had really hammered the lesson home.

When Jane had met Angela and planned their escape, he thought he'd left the life behind. Thought he'd become better somehow, because the trappings surrounding the game looked better, cost more.

In reality, he hadn't become better. He'd just become richer.

A distinction that Red John had made abundantly clear.

Not that Jane thought he'd actually deserved what had happened to him... His wife and children certainly hadn't. They'd been the only good thing about his life.

But after so colossal a past mistake, Jane knew he couldn't ask another woman to choose him.

Not when he had next to nothing to offer.

And not when she had someone else who made her smile.

xxx

They hadn't even been dating a month. _A month_.

People didn't move away together after less than a month.

Okay, some people did, as part of some impulsive romantic plan.

Lisbon wasn't sure she'd made an impulsive romantic gesture in her entire life.

Maybe that meant she was past due.

Maybe it was time to finally risk her heart. (Maybe this time it was _her_ turn to do the leaving.)

She'd be lying if she said part of her wasn't tempted.

Though was it really an impulsive romantic gesture if she resented the choice it forced on her? (Did that mean that it wasn't actually romantic? Or that she was just incapable of romance.)

Still, Lisbon hadn't thought _moving in_ together was anywhere near the horizon. Just the morning earlier, Marcus had asked her if it would be weird to see each other two nights in a row for Christ's sakes.

And now he was asking her to consider dropping her entire life and moving to D.C. with him.

Just tossing the crucial things in boxes and getting on a plane.

Which is exactly what she'd done only a few months earlier, when Jane... hadn't asked.

Jane had just assumed.

Still, in the end, coming to Texas had been _her_ choice.

Now, maybe it was time to make a different one.

Unlike Jane, Marcus understood the importance of _asking_ first.

xxx

Jane wasn't used to telling people things directly. Wasn't used to showing them how he felt.

After a decade of trying to hide everything he really thought (followed by two years just trying to hide), it wasn't like he could just flip a switch. Couldn't become magically emotionally healthy overnight.

Not that he'd been particularly open before, but...

He'd made mistakes. Big, bad ones. He'd made assumptions that he shouldn't have.

He hadn't taken the time to talk to her. And she'd put him in his place (as she should have).

So he was trying to be better. To show Lisbon that he'd _listened_. That he paid attention. To her, and what she asked.

He was trying to learn how to talk to her now, trying to learn how to be with her, even if it was just a cup of tea (or in her case, coffee) at work. He didn't _like _being so secretive all the time (he didn't like a lot about himself, when it came right down to it).

He'd been trying to lead up to telling her.

He'd been trying to relearn what it was like to spend time with her, get to know the woman she was. Maybe even re-earn her trust.

The trust he'd broken a million times in the past, by not _asking._

He was in no position to ask her for anything now.

Besides, he'd always been terrified that if he just _asked,_ she'd say no.

xxx

Lisbon was annoyed that she was (yet _again_) being forced into a life-changing decision because of a man.

After ten years caught up in Jane and his particularly vengeful tunnel vision. Of his games and cons.

Maybe she was being unreasonable. Trying to have her cake and eat it too.

She'd just wanted a nice, easy relationship.

Lisbon had wanted something fun. With a guy who, when he told her she was beautiful, that she meant something to him, didn't cause her to second guess the words, to wonder if it was all just part of a larger plan. She'd wanted to spend time with someone who didn't cause her to second guess her memories, or that she had no control.

She hadn't been looking for something serious (wasn't sure it was what she was looking for, even now), though she could see that this thing was Marcus was a something that might have the potential to get there.

A lot of things had _potential_.

(She'd been dealing with _potential_ for years. You still had to choose to take advantage of it.)

Potential was everywhere. And as intangible as a silly compliment, a foolish flutter in her chest, or a smile she couldn't quite control.

How did you measure potential?

(At least with Jane's crazy schemes, at least she could be relatively confident of success.)

Maybe she wasn't quite settled into Texas yet, but she'd felt the _potential._

So which potential was she supposed to act on?

xxx

He'd never asked her.

And now he was probably too late.

Jane had foolishly assumed he'd have time. Not endless time obviously, but just a little bit more.

Lisbon had changed in the past two years, but she hadn't... found someone and settled down.

He hadn't even considered that in the three months since they moved to Texas that she might actively go searching for love.

It wasn't like he'd been doing _nothing._ He'd had a plan.

He'd spent the last three months trying to show her how much she mattered, how much he enjoyed her company. That he wanted to be her friend. That she was so very important.

He'd thought he was being unbelievably obvious.

And she hadn't noticed. Or the possibility hadn't even occurred to her that he might (desperately) want...

He couldn't tell her how he felt now. Not after all the years of secrets. She probably wouldn't believe the truth (something that hurt almost as much as the fact that he couldn't tell her the truth). And even if she did, he couldn't do that to her.

Couldn't foist the burden of _him_ on her (she'd dealt with that particular load long enough). Not when she had a real chance to be happy. And Agent Pike seemed like a good man.

And he _was _her choice.

Jane hadn't given up, not entirely. He was still trying to be her friend, trying to make up for past transgressions. Trying to show her she was (and always had been) valued.

Even as he felt her slipping away.

xxx

Apart from everything else, Lisbon was happy with her life in Texas. It might have been new, but she _liked_ it.

She was working murders again, though the acronym for where she worked had changed.

She was working with Cho again (and she'd missed him even more than she'd expected to). Abbot was a good Director. She liked Fischer, and Wiley was just plain adorable.

Plus, she was closer to Tommy and Annie again. Not that she saw them often, but it still made her feel better. Like if they ever needed her, she was nearby.

She even got to see Jane again. Jane who she never thought she'd see any more of than his handwriting. Their relationship wasn't simple, but she valued it. Their friendship _meant _something to her. It would hurt not to see him anymore, even if this time she was the one to do the leaving.

She was happy in Texas.

There was no guarantee that she'd be happy in Washington, even apart from Marcus. She assumed she'd get a job there. But solving murders wasn't a guarantee. Her status in the FBI was unusual at best. She wasn't guaranteed a job that she loved, with colleagues that she trusted. She wouldn't be moving to a promotion that would be good for _her_. To friends and family.

She'd be moving for someone who _might_ be something serious.

She _hadn't_ been happy as a county sheriff. The fact that Jane's assumption that her job had irritated and annoyed her didn't make his conclusions any less true.

The means had been all wrong, but the end...

The end had been the change she hadn't even known she was looking for.

With Marcus, the means had been perfect.

Lisbon paused.

Or had they?

It was ridiculous, but he'd been so perfect and reasonable and _selfless_ about the whole thing, that it felt like a whole other kind of manipulation.

Like the request was so perfectly made that saying _no_ made her the bad guy, the woman who couldn't commit to a relationship, who didn't know a good thing when she had one.

She was so sick of being _that_ woman.

He was a really, really good guy.

And she was the crazy person who resented the manipulation that wasn't even there.

xxx

Sometimes Jane let himself imagine what it would be like to _just say it._

To say it and _mean it. _And not to simply blurt it out because one of them was heading towards probable death.

He imagined himself just showing up at her door one evening , taking her hand in his and saying it.

He didn't even have to think about what he'd say.

"Teresa, I'm in love with you. I have been for the better part of a decade. I want you. I choose you. Choose me."

He imagined being the selfish one _yet again_, putting his own needs before hers, forcing her to make the sacrifice.

But he couldn't waltz in and disrupt her life again. Jane knew that now, after she shoved his selfishness in his face and forced him to confront it.

He'd disrupted her life over and over and over again, even if it had rarely been his intention. The job at the FBI had (in part) been an attempt to help her rebuild something new, something _good _for her. Now he had to let her fashion her new life as she saw fit.

Assuming they'd want the same things had been his mistake when he first came back (he was used to their brains feeling like they were in sync).

But Lisbon was right; she'd changed in the two years he'd been out of her life.

Not in essentials, but she'd changed.

He'd been the one stuck in limbo, with nothing to offer.

Now that he'd finally started living his life again, he had to respect her choices. He would respect the boundaries she put up. He wouldn't push her, or manipulate her, or scheme. He had to show her that he was trying to be better.

Even if it meant he lost her.

xxx

Marcus was great, really, really great. Lisbon would readily admit that.

Funny, handsome, smart, nice.

He even understood the job. Didn't get even a little irritated if she had to postpone a dinner date because of a case.

Lisbon knew she'd hit the jackpot. And she really liked him. A lot. He was a relatively safe choice.

She should have been head over heels.

And maybe she could get there. She probably _would_ get there.

Probably.

So she'd said yes when he asked her if she'd thought it could ever get serious

She didn't know if it was a lie. She didn't think it was.

She just hadn't really thought about it until he'd asked her, point blank. Then she'd panicked, and hadn't known what to say.

_Could_ the relationship get serious? Sure it could. Lisbon could see the path it might go.

_Would_ it get serious? She hadn't been sure (still wasn't, but she could see the _possibility_).

And Lisbon hadn't wanted to make the decision in a split second.

Maybe the question wasn't what she deserved, what seemed like it should be a perfect fit.

Maybe the question was what she_ wanted_.

And maybe that was the real decision she wasn't quite ready to make.

xxx

It was ironic really. He, Patrick Jane, was the man who was never without a plan. Who could trick and con almost anyone into doing exactly what he wanted. He was a puppet-master, pulling a hundred invisible strings, and knowing the effects of each and every one. While the people on the other end didn't even notice the slight tug.

He was so good at what he did, that his FBI colleagues agreed to his plans at the drop of a hat.

Because there was almost no risk.

Now, when it came to the most important thing in his life in two years, all of his plans were useless.

He had to abandon them all, abandon all of his tried and true methods.

The risk was astronomical.

But it didn't matter.

He was going to be the friend and partner she'd always deserved. Always there for her, whatever she needed, whatever she decided.

They'd always been friends first.

He would play it her way. And whatever the outcome, he would respect her choice. He would do the thing that scared him more than anything else.

He was going to give her complete control.

xxx

The problem was, there was no perfect choice. Whatever she decided.

Both potential lives could be amazing. Unfortunately, she couldn't live both.

Whatever she chose, she was going to give something up.

She just had to decide what she wanted. What mattered most. Who...

And all the while resenting the fact that the choice was being forced on her, and trying to ignore the fact that the answer might terrify her.

xxx

The end


End file.
